Life has a way of dropping needed messages in our laps that, when pieced together, bring new insight. The news of another shooting spree came after I had finished teaching a management class where we had discussed Transactional Analysis (basically the study of interactions—or ‘transactions’—between people) and its impact on our relationships with internal and external customers. 
Transactional Analysis is a method of understanding human behavior and interactions—a concept discovered and popularized by Dr. Eric Berne in his book The Games People Play. His work was carried forward by one of his students, Dr. Thomas Harris (the author of I’m Okay – You’re Okay). Dr. Harris outlines four positions of ‘Okayness’. The shooter in Tucson was a classic example of “I’m not okay – you’re not okay”.
Before delving into ‘Okayness’ and its impact on our internal and external customers, we need a firmer understanding of the background of Transactional Analysis.
Ego States: The Foundations of Transactional Analysis
Dr. Berne theorized that there are three ego states: child, parent and adult. These are based on the belief that our life experiences impact the way we look at the world. We learn the first two ego states from our parents and authority figures. In fact, he believed that we literally record every event in our brains—to be relived, remembered or replayed later. We drift in and out of ego states within seconds; however, we have a tendency to spend more time in one.
Child Ego State – When we are children, we record the internal events that are associated with external events we witness. Basically these are the emotions or feelings that are tied to those events. This ego state typically exhibits childlike behavior such as tantrums, selfishness, a desire for immediate gratification and raw emotions. It is referred to as the ego state of “I Want”. In an appropriate setting (out on the town, a party, at a football game, etc.) it is a wonderfully fun and releasing place to be.
The Parent Ego State – Also learned in childhood, we modeled this ego state on our parents’ (or others in a parent-like role) values and prejudices. It is thought that there is a massive collection of external events that were perceived during the first five years of life. These might include: “never take candy from a stranger”, “look both ways before you cross the street” or “always chew with your mouth closed”. During the first five years of life, the child receiving these messages and events has no way of filtering the information. Have you ever watched children play and heard your words (and tone) come out of their mouths? I will never forget my shock the first time I opened my mouth to reprimand my son and my father’s words came flooding out. I had sworn I would never say that—and yet I spoke it as if on ‘auto pilot’! This is the ego state of “I Should”.
The Adult Ego State – the final state, this is what we perceived to be different from felt (Child) or observed (Parent). At around one year of age, we are able to exhibit gross motor activity: grabbing a toy, playing peek-a-boo, etc. We converted the information gathered from these situations into information. According to Berne, the Adult ego state is “principally concerned with transforming stimuli into pieces of information, and processing and filing that information on the basis of previous experience.” It acts as a referee between the emotional pinings of the ‘Child’ and the biased ‘Parent’ to sift out the facts and draw a satisfactory conclusion or compromise. It is the ego state of “I Will”.
(While Berne was influenced by Freud, do not confuse his three ego states with Freud’s Id, Ego and Superego. It was Berne’s belief that instead of finding ourselves in a stage, human personality is multi-faceted. Each of us contains personality factions that collide with each other. These interactions and collisions between our factions result in our thoughts, feelings and behaviors.)
A researcher who greatly influenced Berne’s study of Transactional Analysis was Dr. Wilder Penfield. Using electric currents Penfield discovered some amazing things about our brains. Some of Penfield’s findings that most influenced Berne were:
- Our brains record events like a camcorder. You may not be able to access the information at a conscious level; however, it is always in your brain.
- The event, as well as the feelings that were experienced during the event, is stored in your brain. As such, they are entwined and neither can be recalled without the other.
- When recalling a past event, they will be so vivid that the same emotions will be felt.
Is it any wonder that we have ‘hot buttons’ that cause us to feel extreme emotions?
The goal of understanding that we all wander in and out of one of three ego states is to enable us to better gauge our customer’s point of reference. If your customer is yelling at you for towing their car for snow removal (Child ego state) you probably will not have great success if you respond by saying, “Well, you know you shouldn’t have parked it there!” (Parent ego state.) This transaction is known as a crossed ego state. Your goal is to get them into a complementary or parallel ego state so a constructive discussion (transaction) can take place.
Fast-forward to Dr. Thomas Harris. A student of Berne’s, he took the study of Transactional Analysis to a new level. In his book I’m Okay – You’re Okay he relays that as babies, we learned that we are completely dependent upon ‘big people’ and therefore not okay. As we grow, we can become more accepting (and therefore move towards a sense of okayness) as a result of positive input and reactions from others or we get stuck in a very negative self-concept. (Negative inputs would include comments like: ‘why can’t you be more like your father?’, ‘don’t be such a baby’ or ‘you’ll never amount to anything’.) Therefore, we start out ‘bad’ and need to be talked out of it.
There are four positions or attitudes of Okayness:
- I’m Okay – You’re Okay: This is expressed by self-confidence, relates well, accepts people at face value and respects opinions.
- I’m Okay – You’re NOT Okay: People holding this perspective are self-righteous and domineering.
- I’m NOT Okay – You’re Okay: These people see the world from their insufficiency and insecurity.
- I’m NOT Okay – You’re NOT Okay: These people exhibit depression and despondence; nothing in life is good.
Jared Loughner, the shooter last weekend, is probably operating out of a position of “I’m NOT Okay – You’re NOT Okay”. While it is unlikely that we have people waiting to shoot us with real bullets, there are a lot of folks out there with emotional bullets aimed at us. It is helpful to understand that this condition exists and is not personal. There are a few steps we can take to counter it:
- Take the time to listen; don’t try to shove negative behavior or comments under the carpet.
- Make eye contact and smile. Establish a positive and personal connection.
- Understand that you are powerless to bring this person to a place of Okayness. (Don’t try to rescue.)
- Ask about her/his feelings.
- Don’t make excuses for behavior lapses—hold her/him responsible.
- Be honest about what you need from her/him.
- Be empathetic.
We spend the majority of our time communicating and interacting with others; you have the power to make it positive! Understanding how others can push your ‘buttons’, how you can slide into a less-than-healthy-ego state for the situation or how your sense of self impacts communication will make you a better leader, a better salesperson, a better employee and a better friend. And that’s the heart of the deal!
Cheers! Jim Baumgartner | Rent Soda
